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Showing posts from July, 2018

12th National Statistics Day in Darjeeling

Remember last time? We had celebrated the 11th NSD in Calcutta where we had nothing much to do except posing for my colleague's DSLR. This time the entire responsibility of the district was on me and I thought I would die of a stroke. I had to kiss many asses and make many compromises in order to make this day a success. You realise you truly have become the crazy office bitch with no personal life when you are more than compliant to kiss people's unworthy asses for the sake of your job. As the founder of my alma mater Prof. PCM would be so proud of me.

Sonam's Kitchen

After spending almost ten months in Darjeeling I have come to terms with one sad truth. I am not living my life to the fullest. Whatever I had planned (or dreamed ) before coming here have remained mostly unfulfilled. When people ask what I do in my leisure time I usually respond with a grimace on my face that most of my spare times are spent on binge drinking or cleaning the house and sometimes both simultaneously. There was no water in my flat for past few days and after a lot of cribbing and abusing (to myself only) this morning I discovered that this was due to an airlock in the water pipe. Not only was I on cloud nine watching the water coming out of the taps in full force, I also realised that I still had a long way to go when it comes to adulting successfully. And imagine what would happen if I had to take care of other human beings. I take pride in being independent yes. But the truth is I am still a cranky prepubescent teenager with depression, anxiety, and serious alcohol p…

Just Like That

So these days I don't feel like blogging much. Mostly because I am distracted by work and this void I am in. I think I am sad but I am not sure anymore. How can you know you are sad when that is more or less your natural state? On most evenings I go home and drown myself in alcohol. On some days it boosts euphoria; on some days I lay on the floor crying my fucking eyes out. 
I went for another haircut and this time I highlighted my hair in fiery red. Suits me I guess. Red is fire. Red is love. Red is the jealous rage I feel in my veins all the time. Red is what trickles off my wrist when the pain becomes too unbearable.
Lately I have begun to wonder if I am a psychopath. Everything about me is so damn superficial that sometimes it sends a chill down my very own spine. My smile, my apparent friendly disposition, and above all this facade I hold so dearly about giving a damn about people. Honestly speaking, I don't feel things anymore. I don't even know if I want to. I drink m…


Smile is that band-aid that you put on the gashing wound of your inner soul. Let the glowing cheeks, the crinkles at the corner of your eyes be the decoy. Let them think how happy you are. That you are getting so much better at living. Let them feel envious. And then smile some more. Build a wall around that black-hole, and let no one come anywhere near it. The void has no friend. Void is your best friend. Let the blood trickle off your cheeks and fall into the darkness. Black absorbs all colours, remember? Then smile some more. And just keep on smiling.

June Diary

It's almost halfway into July and now I am posting June's journal. I know, I am barely there these days. It will take some time to really get back on track. Until then, bear with the sporadic frequency. I am trying really hard.


How many times did your flight get delayed in life? Twice in my case, so far. But both were quite extreme cases. The first delay happened at the beginning of 2018 only. I was on my way to Ahmedabad from Bagdogra. It was a one-stop flight via Delhi. I was supposed to reach at ten in the night. Instead I was forced to take a long detour from Delhi to Bombay then arrived at Ahmedabad at four o' clock in the morning. I wouldn't complain. It was one of the best adventures of my life. And that was not only because of the date I had at Starbucks at Indira Gandhi International Hawai Adda (For some reason I love the Hindi translation of airport). IIM campus is quite far from Ahmedabad airport and that auto ride in the early dawn was chilling. (Literally. It was a late January night) I did not like the city but sitting inside an almost flying auto with paranoia rising in the stomach despite knowing that Narendra Modi's state was quite popular when it came to woman safety is the kind…


June has been hectic and full of upheavals. Hence the MIA status. The whole month was so eventful that I do not have to worry about contents for the next whole month. Although I am pretty sure July will come with its fair share of shocks as well. Since when did my life become uneventful anyway? I just need to relax a bit until I am back on track. Mental health-wise June hasn't been very well. Both depression and anxiety were in their full form trying to strangulate my every breath. But I guess I am getting better at handling it. Living alone has its own perks. I get to spend my alone time unleashing my monsters so I can pretend to be normal for the rest of the day. Result? My work and social life win. But my personal life has hit the rock bottom. I mean even if I peer below really hard I can't find any trace of it. Last week I had gone to Calcutta. So one morning I was rummaging through my old closet when this sudden thought came to my mind. It was only yesterday when my bigge…