Skip to main content


Showing posts from October, 2016

Quote of the Week

And it's a human need to be told stories. The more we're governed by idiots and have no control over our destinies, the more we need to tell stories to each other about who we are, why we are, where we come from, and what might be possible.

-- Alan Rickman

If you don't know who Alan Rickman is, well, then I can't help you dunderheads.

The Familiarity of Pain

You know there is a familiarity in pain? The hollowness inside your chest. The burning eyes yet no sign of tear. The bleakness ahead. The unbelievable urge to fall asleep and never wake up again? Who says willing to live is the strongest instinct? Sometimes you badly want to die, just to make the pain stop. And it feels all so familiar. Like a nightmarish déjà vu came back to haunt you. Like an old neighbour or a batchmate that you lost contact with, but never forgot their face. When an old pain creeps up back into your life you feel shocked at first. Wow! Do I know you? Have we met before? Pain smiles and replies, “Remember when you had your heart shattered into pieces?”

Quote of the Week

It's 3 a.m. I'm still awake. I'm losing sleep. I'm losing myself.

I'm losing you.

So I write tonight. I write for everyone of us who has suffered.
Every one of us who is broken.
Every one of us who has a damaged soul.
Every one of us whose brilliant scarlet became just another red.

This is for us, the broken ones.

And for the ones who broke us in two.

-- Nikita Gill | Why I Write at 3 am

Sikkim Revisited/2

Our next morning started with fog and rain again. I was beginning to fear that rain was not going to leave us during our whole trip. However as long as I was away from my godawful regular life, nothing could make me upset, let alone some rain.
Today was Monday. We started our city tour after having breakfast at Baker’s Cafe. I had been to all the places before so I was supposed to feel less enthusiastic. Instead I was feeling the sheer joy of homecoming.

We did not get to see anything from Tashi view point as expected. Sky was still cloudy but fortunately the rain had stopped. We met two incredibly friendly dogs at the top. One almost shoved his nose in my chest and was not at all ready to let me go. Last time we had had lunch at this roadside restaurant here. Great local food with beautiful view for free. It was nice to find nothing had changed much there. I could even spot the smiling old man pouring rounds of warm water from table to table just like the last time.

By the time the …

Sikkim Revisited/1

When I announced the news to my mother the first reaction of her was, “Sikkim? Again?” I tried to explain that Sikkim is a big state and we were going to explore a different region this time. I lied to my mother. I indeed went back to the same places I had been before. How could I not? What I did not tell her that, one never gets tired of going back where they truly belong. For me, Sikkim is home, for some inexplicable reason that is beyond the comprehension of anyone with little or no imagination.

It was drizzling when we finally reached Gangtok on 24th evening. This time I thought of staying at a place a little away from M G Marg – the promenade that is the heart of the town. No sooner we settled in our room it started pouring heavily. As if the rain was welcoming us with all its vigor. My spirit was dampened a little but the stubborn optimist in me was telling me that as long as there was a tomorrow, there was always the hope for things to improve.

I woke up early next morning. Ea…

Pujo Diaries/4

Over past few years my pujo routine has become so identical that one year seems to be the mirror reflection of the previous one. Is an impasse a good thing? Well, my ‘so-tired-and-scared-of-disappointment-and-disaster-that-it-no-longer-hopes-for-anything-better’ mind thinks that a standstill is always better than things becoming worse than they actually are. The only difference is that I did not participate in the phuchka eating competition this year.

Since my very childhood I have never stopped wondering how pujo comes and ends so fast? Four days pass by in the blink of an eye and before you know it the married ladies are smearing each other’s face with vermilion and you are standing in the corner thinking whose feet you are supposed to touch against your wish so people don’t think you are a ‘gone case’. In every neighbourhood or complex there is at least one person who would start bending over before anyone who is even a day older than them the moment the matador van leaves the pan…

Quote of the Week

“The ones who are not soul-mated – the ones who have settled – are even more dismissive of my singleness: It’s not that hard to find someone to marry, they say. No relationship is perfect, they say – they, who make do with dutiful sex and gassy bedtime rituals, who settle for TV as conversation, who believe that husbandly capitulation – yes, honey, okay, honey – is the same as concord. He’s doing what you tell him to do because he doesn’t care enough to argue, I think. Your petty demands simply make him feel superior, or resentful, and someday he will fuck his pretty, young coworker who asks nothing of him, and you will actually be shocked. (. . .)
So I know I am right not to settle, but it doesn’t make me feel better as my friends pair off and I stay home on Friday night with a bottle of wine and make myself an extravagant meal and tell myself, This is perfect, as if I’m the one dating me. As I go to endless rounds of parties and bar nights, perfumed and sprayed and hopeful, rotating …

Pujo Diaries/3

Until two years back I was an enthusiastic pandal hopper. From the day of Mahalaya I would start making my list of the high profile pujos and a well planned itinerary to cover it all. Now the mere sight of crowd gives me nightmare. I cannot believe I was once part of it. So when A from our group asked me to accompany her and her friend on pandal-hopping on Navami morning, all I could say was, No thanks. Instead I woke up at nine o’ clock in the morning and by the time I got ready and finally went downstairs everyone at the pandal was gearing up to play Housie. Since I am a socially awkward human being and any kind of group or community activity makes me want to kill myself I wasn’t feeling very keen about it. Even the exciting prizes (water bottles, hand juicers, plastic trays) failed to allure me. Aunty (D’s mom) won a water bottle and a plastic cutlery holder and posed for us with a sheepish grin on her face. My luck was not so good.

After Housie was over we decided to visit the ne…

Pujo Diaries/2

This year anjali was scheduled from 10 o’ clock in the morning onward and I did not take the trouble to wear a saree which is the classic example of my procrastinating nature – I was too lazy to visit the tailor to get the blouses stitched. Wearing saree is a mammoth task that requires at least two months’ prior preparation. Not to mention the masterji becomes the most sought-after and high profile man to the female community during the festive season. I hate standing in queue at the tailor shop surrounded by all kinds of stupid women and listening to their nonstop ranting.  And for me, preparation of the trip was more important. So I opted for a simple kurti, which had its own special value and purpose. It was kind of a uniform for me before I went to Ma Durga to beg shamelessly for a few personal favours in exchange for a questionably short and wrongly pronounced pushpanjali. And the best part of not wearing a saree? It took me only half an hour to get ready and mom was spared the …

Pujo Diaries/1

Shubho Bijoya to all. This year pujo started for me from Saptami only, which alone can prove my dwindling enthusiasm about pujo over past few years. I am getting old I guess. Or perhaps my priorities have shifted. Weird things priorities are – sneakily changing positions without one realising it. Before you know it, you are standing in the middle of the room full of people, sweating and secretly hoping for the pujo to end as quickly as possible so you can go back to your regular, lacklustre life where nobody would pay you much attention. People like us like that very much, the quiet corner far away from the limelight. We are scared of the light, we know the moment the blinding patch of light would fall upon us, and everything would be exposed, that how unfulfilling our life is. We have nothing to boast about to our family, friends and acquaintances. The fact that we so carefully keep hidden for the rest of the year, behind our ‘cool’ social media posts. I spent most of the time this …