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Smile is that band-aid that you put on the gashing wound of your inner soul. Let the glowing cheeks, the crinkles at the corner of your eyes be the decoy. Let them think how happy you are. That you are getting so much better at living. Let them feel envious. And then smile some more. Build a wall around that black-hole, and let no one come anywhere near it. The void has no friend. Void is your best friend. Let the blood trickle off your cheeks and fall into the darkness. Black absorbs all colours, remember? Then smile some more. And just keep on smiling.
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June Diary

It's almost halfway into July and now I am posting June's journal. I know, I am barely there these days. It will take some time to really get back on track. Until then, bear with the sporadic frequency. I am trying really hard.


How many times did your flight get delayed in life? Twice in my case, so far. But both were quite extreme cases. The first delay happened at the beginning of 2018 only. I was on my way to Ahmedabad from Bagdogra. It was a one-stop flight via Delhi. I was supposed to reach at ten in the night. Instead I was forced to take a long detour from Delhi to Bombay then arrived at Ahmedabad at four o' clock in the morning. I wouldn't complain. It was one of the best adventures of my life. And that was not only because of the date I had at Starbucks at Indira Gandhi International Hawai Adda (For some reason I love the Hindi translation of airport). IIM campus is quite far from Ahmedabad airport and that auto ride in the early dawn was chilling. (Literally. It was a late January night) I did not like the city but sitting inside an almost flying auto with paranoia rising in the stomach despite knowing that Narendra Modi's state was quite popular when it came to woman safety is the kind…


June has been hectic and full of upheavals. Hence the MIA status. The whole month was so eventful that I do not have to worry about contents for the next whole month. Although I am pretty sure July will come with its fair share of shocks as well. Since when did my life become uneventful anyway? I just need to relax a bit until I am back on track. Mental health-wise June hasn't been very well. Both depression and anxiety were in their full form trying to strangulate my every breath. But I guess I am getting better at handling it. Living alone has its own perks. I get to spend my alone time unleashing my monsters so I can pretend to be normal for the rest of the day. Result? My work and social life win. But my personal life has hit the rock bottom. I mean even if I peer below really hard I can't find any trace of it. Last week I had gone to Calcutta. So one morning I was rummaging through my old closet when this sudden thought came to my mind. It was only yesterday when my bigge…

Of Love, Betrayal, and Death

One question often pops up in my head nowadays. How to make your life normal? After all these years it has been officially proven that my life could be labelled as anything except that N word. I make odd life choices. I always end up meeting odd people. Or I share odd relationships with normal people. I gather odd experiences, which sometimes border on being fatal. A part of me is irrevocably damaged because of those encounters I can guarantee. I mean I know I can never lead a normal life. Partly because people around me always turn out to be the first class sons of bitches. Inevitably and invariably. And partly because I am a psychopath. Chaos and instability turn me the fuck on. Result? I live in a world where everything is made of fatal, toxic waste. And even when a normal person steps in the poor bastard turns into a freak and when it all ends and the person fucks off for good they dump their share of toxic garbage behind.
When my last boyfriend dumped me he cited the reason that…


And I wait for you
Like a melancholy new bride
Whose husband has gone
On warI keep looking for you
Like a thirsty nomad
Losing his shadow
Under the relentlessness
Of the twelve o'clock sun
In a desertAnd I keep hoping
Like the three Magi
That if I follow that star
I might end up in a barn
And my soul might get saved
Just this one time.I don't have much left to hope from life anymore.

Netflix over People

I am someone who uses WhatsApp quite extensively. Mostly for BS purpose. Like putting up twenty status stories per day and discussing outfits or MCCU. Or having endless but incoherent filthy chat with BFF. Or mild flirting with few men who actually bore me to death. So basically it's more of a mindless habit than an actual addition. Same goes for Instagram. Few days back one of my best friends called me and said that some fashion page on Instagram had reminded her of me and that had made her call me. Needless to say, I hurled a flurry of worst cuss words in response. But really, you can't blame her.
Not long back I finally joined the 'elite' class of people who watch Netflix and 'chill'. Honestly, 'chill' has never been a word in my vocabulary. Mostly because I never chill. A person with anxiety disorder never chills. And also, given a chance I would prefer some fancy, Victorian synonym for the word. Somehow, the word 'chill' always reminds me o…